Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
