You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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