I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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