Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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