she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize