One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
