I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
