I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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