On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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