They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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