the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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