But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
