So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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