yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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