shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
