I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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