I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize