You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
