I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
