Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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