i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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