Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
