I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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