i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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