My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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