The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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