watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
