Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
