My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
