you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
