i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
