She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
