So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize