Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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