peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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