I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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