She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
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