Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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