My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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