im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize