listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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