Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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