There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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