Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
