You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
