if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I touched a dick in church today
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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