i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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