Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
