A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
