If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
