I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
