You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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