We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize