yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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