A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
