Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
